Lord I Feel So Small!

Pullquote: Before God we are priceless and precious.

Lord I Feel So Small!

Greg’s loving nature took an interest in those around him. Genuinely selfless, he loved group outings with our children and others in their 20’s. His friends appreciated his solid values and concern for others. After college, it was no surprise that he took a staff position with Point Loma Nazarene University, in San Diego, California. All seemed well, promising a future of happiness and usefulness. But Greg’s cheerful exterior hid a private, lifelong battle. He had been hospitalized several times for depression. In the Spring of 2005 he drove his car onto railroad tracks in San Diego, California, and took his own life.
His shocked and saddened friends asked “Why?” The clues came from his parents. Greg fought lifelong trench warfare with issues of personal significance.

The Lying Voices

Those of us who have faced the battle know it well. We often cry “Lord, I feel so small!” I know the daily struggle, as for decades I viewed myself as a failure. Sadness overshadowed my life. In a crisis seven years ago, it seemed I could not go on. I thought the only thing I could do to benefit others was to give blood. I have given over fourteen gallons.

For friends and close family members, this seems strange in the extreme. I am a former Air Force pilot, have a master’s degree, and am a pastor of almost 30 years, considered very successful by most. But I lived in constant slavery to this sense of smallness. Voices within echoed, You’re a failure. You will always be a failure. You lack the gifts and strengths of others. You are a small person, unworthy of the love and friendship of others. Tragically they drowned out the high call of God.

Perhaps these voices sound familiar. Only those of us engaged in this bloody combat for our happiness know the daily, moment-by-moment anguish that sometimes takes a life. More often it saps us of joy and fulfillment, and sentences us to wage a lifelong warfare to find our true place under God’s sun.

Whether you face the struggle or not, questions come to mind. How is it possible that a person would accept a verdict that places him far below the high place that God has for him? Why would he believe lies? What is the true picture of one’s significance? In my next blog, let me begin our search with Elijah.

 

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